Dec. 13th, 2013

gansje: (Me)
It has been one hell of a night. And it's just keeping on being a hell of a night.

We put [livejournal.com profile] emmabovary's idea to work (thank you!!! <3) and selected a password with Jo. Jo decided on a pass-phrase (which I should keep to myself in case she ever questions if I told it to anyone else) and then she needed me to use it not two hours later. She also went to the psychologist (the rotten one, but at least there was some therapy of some kind) and reported when she came home that she now thought the psychologist was an alien because while Jo was telling her about her thoughts and beliefs, the psychologist had a "weird look" on her face. I explained that she probably had a look of concern for Jo. Whenever someone makes an unfamiliar face now, Jo immediately suspects them of being an alien.

At bedtime, she lay down in her bed while I started storytime, and then she looked over at the tank that (used to, prior to its unfortunate expiration) hold her gecko. She asked me if I saw "U Pay" written in it. At first I thought she was seeing letters (from the titles of two books behind the tank) magnified in the glass, but when I went to look, I couldn't see anything at all. She was scared of it, and I moved the tank. Then she told me that she'd seen the words, "kill Jo" in her mother's car's rearview mirror on Monday (thank you, Shasta, for not telling us, good lord), and the word, "Die" written in our basement (she said that Lawrence had seen it too and thought that probably another kid she plays with had written it for some reason). She also told me that she'd seen a sign outside SuperCuts when I took Henry and Adam for their haircuts last month. The sign said, "You're Next," and she believed it referred to her imminent demise.

I rubbed my face, thinking, "God, please don't let this be child-onset schizophrenia," whereupon she said I'd never made that face before and demanded the pass-phrase.

She also has a rather juicy cold and is coughing a lot (we just gave her cough medicine, so here's keeping our fingers crossed she sleeps through the night) and she asked me just before I ran downstairs to tell L we have a problem, "If I get scared in the middle of the night, can I wake you up to sit with me?" Which has been a behavior we thought had finally passed last year. What Jo means by sitting with her is sitting in her room while she takes several hours to fall asleep and then several more after she wakes when you tried to tiptoe out. Which, given our current needs for sleep and my current mental state, is very bad. She's already woken once and L sat with her from 10:30 - 11:30.  I know more is coming and I'm taking that shift so he can sleep -- he has a meeting in Princeton tomorrow and needs a lot of solid sleep.

Guys, I'm scared. I'm really scared. Can I wake you up in the middle of the night to sit with me? 
gansje: (Me)
Okay, we're getting a plan together.

Today I called both Jo's psychologist and her psychotherapist. Thank god, the psychotherapist got back to us. She spoke to L and said that we should strive at this point to keep Jo as calm as possible, and the ER should be reserved for a situation only in which Jo is unable to calm down and is suffering greatly, or if she is in danger. She also doesn't like the way the ER's in our area handle child/adolescent mental health intake -- they would just give her Risperdal and refer her back to her provider (Dr. Lipschutz, the psychotherapist, to whom L spoke) or they would admit her, which is terrifying and triggering. The earliest she can meet with Jo is Monday at noon, so I took that appointment. She then gave us the names of two psychiatrists who she thinks are fantastic. However, the most fantastic cannot see us until January, so he provided us with the names of 5 other psychiatrists he thinks are equally fantastic. I explained to my immediate supervisor, who is a decent human being with 4 kids and most of a PsyD and a Master's in Clinical Psychology what was going on and he gave me a secret day off on Monday. This means I can devote Monday to calling all of these doctors to find one who can see her. This leaves us without treatment over the weekend, though, so Dr. Lipschutz (who was so goddamned comforting to us both over the phone, god) told us if she is very distressed over the weekend, we are to take her to the ER. I plan on the ER at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, because they're just amazing over there at pretty much everything, and are responsible for other Jo miracles, like clearing up her eczema, and Adam miracles, like helping me through his Asperger's rages. But no ER unless things are very, very distressing to her.

Being a behavioral researcher and unable to leave pubmed.org alone, I found the following extremely comforting article: http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/201/1/4.long You can read just the abstract and the discussion section. It helped us feel better a lot, especially since Jo has no other features of schizophrenia. Even if this is an early sign, catching it early like this means much better outcomes. And it may be freaking nothing at all, as our dearest friend [livejournal.com profile] flw spent the better part of oh, all morning, trying to tell me. But it could be a feature of anxiety and thus incredibly treatable. I really hope so.

And I cannot wait until this fucking horrible year which has come along with so much tragedy and bad luck for us and those we love so much is over. Oddly, just a few days ago I looked at the calendar and thought, "just a few more weeks -- I wonder what the fuck else can 2013 deliver?" Now I know. Good lord. Fuck you, 2013.

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